I am Hoodie

Hello. Hoodie here. I know what you are thinking. I am up to no good, right? But that is what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I felt it was important to get the message out in light of the recent events in Florida that we, the hoodies of America, are not all that bad.

The other day I was watching Fox News and saw this horrible man with a thick mustache saying how we were somehow responsible for the shooting death of this poor kid, Trayvon Martin. I was so saddened and quite appalled that this odd-looking fellow would say such a horrible thing about us. What did we ever do to him, or to anyone for that matter?

I mean, do we not keep you dry in the rain? Do we not offer breathability for runners on cool spring mornings? Do we not offer pockets and a means of something quick to throw on late at night when throwing out the garbage? Do girls not look totally hot wearing nothing but us after sex? I mean, why are we getting such a bad rap for such a senseless killing?

I remember back when I was young. It was such a simpler time. Back then we were called sweat jackets. Remember that? I sure do. We were just benign articles of clothing used by athletes and young kids who wanted something they could easily tie around their waists when they got overheated. (I mean, check out Bill Belichick over there.)

Something changed, though, as I got older. Personally, I blame P. Diddy, or whatever he calls himself now. He made us into some sort of fashion article. I have even seen sweat jackets selling for hundreds of dollars because of that guy. Can you believe that? A sweat jacket going for that much? I would never have imagined.

After that, things started to change for us. We started to become "cool" to wear, and by cool I don't mean lightweight in the fall. Then, somewhere along the line someone changed our name to "hoodie." Sure, we have a hood and it is very versatile and practical, but it was never meant to be something sinister! And "hoodie"? Really? That sounds like we are from the ghetto. Or perhaps it was meant as a nod to the criminals of old known as "hoods," for all you youngsters out there.

And okay, for the record I will concede one fact. Our pockets were always convenient repositories for dime bags, but is that our fault? As far as I am concerned, and you can call me an old sweater, but we were and still are just innocent, comfortable, simple old sweat jackets.

So I ask you, how can anyone blame us as the reason a kid was shot to death? Rocky wore us for his many fights with Apollo Creed and we cheered him on. Jesus wore us and we are still talking about him. Heck, when the Unabomber wore us nobody even noticed that he was leaving mail bombs on people's doorsteps!

Sure, we will always have our rotten apples like the Evil Emperor, Darth Maul, and the Grim Reaper. But we knew they were evil. Personally, I always hated that they chose to wear us instead of vampire capes or something. But again, is that our fault? At the end of the day we are just cotton people!

Look, all I am trying to do here is to try and change the public's perception of us by speaking out during this troubled time. It is simply wrong to accuse us of having anything to do with people dying. We might be inanimate objects, but even inanimate objects have feelings! So please, Geraldo, and all the other haters out there, give us a chance! Try us on! Experience our comfort and convenience for yourselves. Go so far as to even try on our hoods. Pull on our drawstrings. You know you want to. I guarantee you will feel cozy, secure, and, most of all, non-threatening.

However, if after that you are not completely satisfied, then just return us. We would rather be back on the rack than be owned by haters, or worse, shot at by people who have no idea what they are missing.

Thanks for listening. Hoodie out!

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By tmcbpatriot (not a hoodie) 

(Ed. note: The patriot has written numerous posts for us, has been live-blogging the Republican primaries with us, and is now a full contributor. His recent posts include "I am Rush Limbaugh's wife," "I am Rush Limbaugh's wife... part deux, and "I am Ann Romney." You can also find him at his blogging home, Take My Country Back. -- MJWS)