Most depressing NFL-related gifts

By non sequitur

When Bill Simmons is on, he's on. As you would expect, about half this list involves either Matt Millen or Ryan Leaf in some way. For instance:

Derek in Fostoria, Ohio: "First of all, if I get anything from anybody that has anything to do with the Lions, I will assume they are making fun of me and I will punch them in the face (I already informed grandma of this). After I get done assaulting said gift-giver, and I notice the gift is this Eddie Drummond jersey, I would probably have the same look Ralphie has on his face when he gets the bunny outfit from his aunt.

But not all of them are that way:

Can you think of a worse ex-football player to delve into the barbecue business than Tony Siragusa? Me neither. When I look at the Goose, I don't think about tasty food … I think about somebody coming out of my guest bathroom with an "I wouldn't go in there" face.

Why, there's even something for Michael!

I was really disappointed that I never snapped up a $400 Kordell Stewart-signed Steelers jersey for half price. They ran out. Fortunately, they have plenty of $280 Bears helmets left that were autographed by Kordell himself! Also, you can get an autographed gold-panel football from Kordell for just $87.99, then head outside on Christmas Day and overthrow members of your family for two hours.

Happy holidays, one and all.