Obama decides America should keep Justin Bieber, Canadians breathe huge sigh of relief

By Michael J.W. Stickings

Looks like the U.S. will still have Justin Bieber to terrorize its popular culture, not to mention anywhere he happens to be at any given time, for a whole lot longer:

The White House has declined to comment on a "Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card" petition, saying the "We the People" Whitehouse.gov petition system allows the Executive Office to dodge comments "to avoid the appearance of improper influence."

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More than 273,000 people signed the petition, which calls for Canadian pop star to be deported because of his representation in the world of pop culture.

"We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug abusing Justin Bieber removed from society and his green card revoked," the petition says. "He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nation's youth."

The original petition, filed January 23 through the "We the People" petition system, merited a response from the White House after receiving more than 100,000 signatures within 30 days, per the system's terms of participation.

Clearly the petition was silly and full of hyperbole, perhaps ironically so, but this really lowers my opinion of the president. Here he had a chance to rid the country of a nuisance, a pest, a spoiled brat, a blight on the cultural landscape, and he refused? Come on. Do Americans really want Bieber in their midst? I mean, they probably prefer Celine Dion, on the whole.

But... wait! Bieber is Canadian. I'm Canadian. Worse, he's from Ontario. I live in Ontario. If he were to be deported, there's a good chance he'd spend more of his time here. And, honestly, we already have Rob Ford. Isn't that enough?

So, yes, well done, Mr. President. You gone done the right thing. And Americans, keep enjoying all that Bieber brings to your glorious country. You can keep him.