Why is Ken Cuccinelli losing the Virginia gubernatorial race?

By Michael J.W. Stickings

It's certainly interesting to see that climate change has become a central issue in the much-watched Virginia gubernatorial race between Republican Ken Cuccinelli and Democrat Terry McAuliffe. It has a lot to do with the fact that Virginia has a significant coal industry, of course, but Cuccinelli is also a head-up-his-ass climate change denialist, and that has opened the door for McAuliffe to strike.

One would hope that Virginia voters abhor Cuccinelli's ideological fervor and abject ignorance, and hold him accountable at the polls for this and so many other far-right views, but it's just hard to see the electorate really deciding this race over such a serious public policy matter.

No, I think we know why Cuccinelli, the state's abhorrent attorney general, is behind even against a shifty character like McAuliffe. And no, it's not because Virginia is now a purple state leaning more and more blue.

No, it all comes down to blow jobs, and specifically to Cuccinelli's objection to them.

I mean, most people like blow jobs, right? Surely at least the slightly-less-than-half male part of the electorate to which Cuccinelli himself belongs is nothing if not enthusiastic about them, and surely there are some in the slightly-more-than-half of the other part who at least don't mind them and may even see them as central to their sexual experience, perhaps even as an enjoyable component of it, if not always a necessity no matter how desperately, if not pathetically, the other part pleads for them.

You see, Cuccinelli is the anti-blow job candidate, and really the anti-"sodomy" candidate generally, which means he objects to oral and anal generally. I needn't delve into the enthusiasm that concerns the latter, but the key here is that Cuccinelli objects not just to fellatio but to cunnilingus as well, and that should arouse the indignation of the slightly-more-than-half part of the electorate that finds itself on the receiving end of that act.

Well, and the giving end too. For both. Because, of course, we're talking not just about straight sex but about gay sex as well, and of course the far-right Cuccinelli is hardly a fan of what the gays do, nor of gay rights, nor, one imagines, of the gays themselves, because he's basically a bigot. Anyway, maybe he likes hand jobs or BDSM or something, though we don't know what and what is not, for him, a "crime against nature," but the point is that if you're not doing it like Christian procreationists, presumably with the lights out, in the missionary position, and with a great deal of guilt and shame, you're basically Satan's spawn, and that really cuts down on the fun any straight couple can have and even more of the fun any gay couple can have.

In any event, I'm sure there are any number of important issues that are animating this high-profile race and engaging the electorate, but Cuccinelli's anti-sex agenda has to be the driving force behind his poor showing in the polls, no?*

Because a lot of people really, really, really like blow jobs. Even in Virginia.

(*Okay, fine, probably not. But it should be part of it. Virginians deserve to know just what he wants to do to their sex lives.)