Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The mouth of the Lord

By Capt. Fogg

The "reverend" Phelps is at it again, twittering that God Bombed Boston for the same reason God does most of the horrible things he does like letting millions of children die miserably and needlessly and live miserably and hopelessly all over the world -- because they aren't actively persecuting gay people. So busy is the God of Rage and so obsessed with regulating love and sex that he's never had the time to do anything else. You'll notice that he never blew up Sobibor or Auschwitz or wasted his time with chastising the murderers of millions of children in Africa and Asia and, yes, even Europe. In fact he must have blown the budget on his flood since he hasn't done shit that looks anything like divine retribution since -- except for the odd bombing or two -- and a lot of threats.

No, what God, or at least Deus ex Westboro, is about is -- you should pardon the term -- "fags." God just hates 'em, the way Indiana Jones hates snakes or the way I hate preachers. He can't really do much about it, though, whether he's in the form of the old man or his son who's also himself or that bird that crept in sometime in the 4th century when they left the window open, other than to use an improvised explosive device against people who can hardly be blamed for not persecuting anyone. Little kids, for instance.

Persecuting gay people isn't something God is good at doing all by himself actually. He needs kids and grown ups with hate in their hearts and not much in their heads. Gay people or doctors who perform abortions or, as the commandments stress, abominable people who eat cheeseburgers or hate any of the 613 commandments. The best he can do is kill one or two here or there who have no connection to his weird dislikes and kids are always best. No, those flood days are over for good what with the economy as it is.

Typical of helpless tyrants, what God does best is to make gruesome threats, and Phelps quotes Leviticus 26:15-16 where the anonymous author speaking for his version of God, tells anyone who doesn't like all those psychotic prohibitions and commandments:

"I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it."

He quotes the Prophet Micah as saying "Hear ye the Rod and who hath appointed it."

So what I put together from this strange choice of divine inspiration is that we should be concerned with our rods and that our enemies will eat them. You know, I suspect and I suspect that you suspect that Phelps is a bit overly concerned with rods and those who eat what issues from them.

Too bad for him and good for us, that celestial ventriloquist's dummy only speaks with our voice and only says what each of us thinks he does.  For my part, I see Phelps's lips moving with desire when God talks about rods and staffs and the seed thereof and as the Old Man of the Sky happens to be sitting on my knee at the moment, I seem to hear him saying, "SUCK IT PHELPS -- YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO."

(Cross-posted to The Swash Zone.)

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