Flat-earth Republicanism

By Michael J.W. Stickings

According to The Wichita Eagle, presidential hopeful and religious conservative Sam Brownback has added support for the flat tax to his platform, making it "a fiscal policy cornerstone" of his campaign for '08.

I'm sure it's the Christian position to take.

1 Timothy 6:10: "For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows."

Pope John Paul II, Homily at Yankee Stadium, New York (Oct. 2, 1979): "The poor of the United States and of the world are your brothers and sisters in Christ. You must never be content to leave them just the crumbs from the feast. You must take of your substance, and not just of your abundance, in order to help them. And you must treat them like guests at your family table."

This notwithstanding, it is expected that the entire Republican base will swoon in ecstasy.

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In related news, it is being reported that Brownback will announce next week in Topeka his support for flat-earth geocentrism. "The lies of Galileo, Copernicus, and Newton will be exposed for what they are," said one senior aide to the Kansas senator, "a liberal plot to overthrow the Kingdom of God on earth." He added: "It is time for a reckoning, and Sam Brownback will deliver it just as Augustine would have wished."

Reached for comment at a fundraiser telethon in Sioux City, Iowa, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney denied that his Mormonism would influence his policy on "the reality of the flat-earth paradigm". A Romney spokesperson said that a major PowerPoint presentation on "geocentrism and its discontents" is planned for next month.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani told CNN that "9/11 was a national nightmare regardless of the shape of our planet". Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich told FOX News that the South "should have won the Civil War".

In response to Brownback, presumptive Republican frontrunner Senator John McCain of Arizona issued a statement declaring his support for flat-earth geocentrism: "I have always believed the world was flat. To prove how serious I am, I am co-sponsoring a bill with Senator Lieberman that would mandate the teaching of the flat-earth worldview in public schools."

Observers expect a strict party-line vote on the bill in the Senate, with Lieberman crossing the aisle to vote with his fellow Republicans and Vice President Cheney casting the deciding Yea vote. The White House has already announced that President Bush will sign the bill "if the heliocentric House does the right thing and doesn't let the terrorists win," according to Press Secretary Tony Snow. "Flat-earth geocentrism completely changes the equation in Iraq," said National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley. “Victory is right around the corner.”

Once again, it is expected that the entire Republican base will swoon in ecstasy.

The Dark Age cometh. The GOP bringeth it.