Shocker! Hillary Clinton Is running for president!

By Frank Moraes

This morning, The New York Times sent me a news update, Breaking News: Hillary Clinton Will Run for President in 2016, Top Aide Says. This is why I subscribe to their updates. I don’t want to miss out on anything. I would hate to be hanging out in the lunch room at work and muse aloud, “I wonder whether Hillary Clinton will run for president.” Only to have a coworker embarrass me, “You haven’t heard? Hillary Clinton is running for president!” Boy would my face be red.

Since I got that update from The New York Times, I’ve been waiting for other breaking news. Really, at this point, it could be anything:

• Hillary Clinton Married to Former President, Top Aide Says
• Hillary Clinton Unlikely to Change Hair Colour in 2016, Top Aide Says
• Hillary Clinton Recently Became Grandmother, Top Aide Says
• Hillary Clinton Will Not Be Contestant on Dancing With the Stars in 2016, Top Aide Says
• Hillary Clinton Not Controlled by Reptilian Extraterrestrial, Top Aide Says

Actually, that last one might qualify as news. I’ve been intrigued this last week that there was the announcement that Hillary Clinton would announce her candidacy for president. And so there was lots of “news” about her upcoming announcement, as if it were, you know, news. And now that she has officially announced her candidacy, there will be lots of news about that. I know it won’t happen, but it would make sense if next week we got the headline:

Hillary Clinton Still Running for President in 2016, Top Aide Says

I have nothing especially against Hillary Clinton. If it comes to it, I will vote for her. But with Clinton, Cruz, and Paul, this is really not news. They have all been running for president for some time. So a formal announcement ought to be treated as such. This isn’t earth shattering. It is along the lines of a business that has been a sole proprietorship is changing into an S corporation. That’s how big this news is: not big.

Now her campaign put out this very nice video announcing her candidacy. And I am not nearly cynical enough to not like it. It’s good (post at The Reaction earlier in the day). And it is a hell of a lot better than Ted Cruz’s staged speech where he wanted us to all imagine a world in which fifty years of social progress was washed away.

Just the same, I am cynical enough to think that The Onion nailed her candidacy better than her campaign or the mainstream media ever will:

• Campaign Slogan: “I deserve this”
• Campaign Strategy: Overwhelming tide of inevitability
• Spouse: Former Arkansas attorney general William Jefferson Clinton
• Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches
• Ideal Running Mate: Primary opponent who knows how to gracefully step aside when the time comes
• Biggest Scandals: Deaths of four Americans at Benghazi, use of private email account for government emails, choice of Nina McLemore dress at a 1998 presidential function
• Grandchildren: One, but pushing Chelsea for one more before Iowa caucus
• Stance On Abortion: Supports a woman’s right to choose for her husband’s mistress
• Birthplace: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming
• Number Of Times Teeth Gritted To Date: 489,346
• Things She Personally Understands As A Grandmother: Hope, faith, future, education, children, all that crap
• Greatest Fear: Charismatic young senators from the Midwest
• Number Of Big Macs That Fit In Mouth At One Time: 2
• Biggest Challenge: Not completely blowing it

My hope is that if she completely blows this, she will do it soon. But if she does, the media will probably miss it because they are busy covering Jeb Bush’s announcement.

(Cross-posted at Frankly Curious.)