The Great Secession

By Mustang Bobby

The New York Times updates the drumbeat for secession:

The online petitions — created on the We the People platform at petitions.whitehouse.gov — are required to receive 25,000 signatures in 30 days for the White House to respond. The Texas petition, created Nov. 9 by a man identified as Micah H. of Arlington, had received more than 116,000 signatures by Friday. It asks the Obama administration to "peacefully grant" the withdrawal of Texas, and describes doing so as "practically feasible," given the state's large economy.

Residents in other states, including Alabama, Florida, Colorado, Louisiana and Oklahoma, have submitted similar petitions, though none have received as many signatures as the one from Texas.

A White House official said every petition that crossed the signature threshold would be reviewed and would receive a response, though it was unclear precisely when Micah H. would receive his answer.

I don't know what the White House will say, but there's a popular response going around, so thanks to my friend JM, I'm going to post it.

 

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving. We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

P.S.

Yesterday we held an election to decide if we should invite Florida to join us. By 9:00 pm we finished counting all the votes and pretty much decided it would depend on whether you dump that cretin you have running the place and learn how to vote. South Florida can come if it wants to and, oh yeah, be sure to bring the Keys.

Not to mention that the blue states also include the best skiing (Colorado), the best food (New Mexico), and the Great Lakes. As for Florida, I think we should just sell South Florida to Canada.  Most of them come here in the winter, they have good health care, and who can resist a box of Timbits on a cool crisp winter day?

(Cross-posted at Bark Bark Woof Woof.)