A message from God, in response to Marco Rubio

Okay, so stop me if you've heard this one: 
A Cuban and a writer from GQ walk into the back room of a local community center in Miami's Little Havana neighborhood. The writer then asks the Cuban: 

GQ: So, how old do you think the Earth is?

Cuban: I'm not a scientist, man. I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that's a dispute amongst theologians... I don't think I'm qualified to answer a question like that. At the end of the day, I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all... Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to answer that. It's one of the great mysteries.

Ready for the punchline? The Cuban is actually a sitting senator from Florida named Marco Rubio and he is one of my so-called "children" who think I was being literal when I said the universe and everything in it was created in seven days. I mean, thanks for giving me that much credit, but damn... er... sorry, I meant darn... had I known humans would be so literal with my words I would have been more specific.

You know, when I said all those things back in the day I honestly thought people would take that information and really think about it. Instead, they took me at my word and now we have people like this Rubio fellow making me out to be some kind of comic book superhero.

I mean, think about it. What is more impressive, that I can create heaven and earth in a week or over billions of years? I would have thought the latter to be more mind-blowing, but then again thank you for suggesting I am only 6,000 years old. Flattery will get you everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, if you catch my drift. Do people still use that expression, or am I dating myself?

Now, I have seen this so-called Bible and it always makes me chuckle (you might know it as thunder). And this might also come as a surprise, but I see the Bible as more like a game of telephone than my actual words. You know that game? What is said on one end gets translated into something completely different? That's the Bible.

Let's be real. If I really could create all of this in that brief time, wouldn't I have also taken the time to make people a little bit more aware of their surroundings? From what I understand, the writers of the Bible thought the universe was as large as the distance they could walk in a day. They must have thought all I could do was make sand!

I have to say, though, I love your depictions of me. You flatter me with the flowing hair, white beard, and muscles. I hate to break it to you, but neither I nor my son is as handsome as you all imagine, or as tall. Plus, if I were able to create everything in a week, wouldn't that leave me plenty of time to shave?

Sorry, I know I should not be so sarcastic, what with being perfect and all.

Anyway, I said what I had to say. Please, stop taking everything you read to be the gospel, pun intended. It is flattering, but it also makes me seem like a simpleton. I actually tried to make things very complex and complicated because I love watching scientists trying to figure it all out. But when those so-called religious people try to put all of my hard work into such simple terms, well, I get kind of annoyed. You forget, I created all of you in my own image. I have a reputation to uphold!

Don't make me come down there. 

(Cross-posted at Take My Country Back.)