An open letter to the world
From the United States of America
I am embarrassed. In the months to come, we here in the United States
are going to be talking about some stupid ass sh*t. I know you will
laugh at us and make fun of us. You will talk about us behind our backs
and perhaps even to our faces. Well, go ahead, because we deserve it.
Over the weekend, one our our candidates for president spoke at a ridiculously backward and closed-minded institution and brought up, of
all things, marriage! Now, I have to preface this by telling you that
this speech was actually at a university. But this was not just any
university. This was a place called Liberty University. No, I am not
kidding.
What's funny about this place is that they seemed to have missed the
irony in their name because they are actually an institution of
intolerance, run by these so-called Evangelical Christians. In case you
don't know about Evangelicals, they are a group who believe that our
Constitution was written on the back of the Ten Commandments.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Our Constitution explicitly states
a separation of church and state. But bear with me. If you just suspend
reality while we are discussing these people, it will help you. Trust
me.
So where were we? Oh yes, the speech.
First, a little background: This was a speech given by a guy named
Mitt Romney. You might have heard of him. He is this really wealthy,
white dude from a very liberal state in our northeastern region. He has
been trying to win the presidency for some time and was recently given
the chance to try.
Anyway, he was at this so-called university over the weekend to talk
to its graduating class. While talking to them, he said some stuff
about marriage. Why, you ask? Well, you see in this country marriage is
held in the highest regard, so much so that we need to be reminded of it
from time to time. It is so beloved, in fact, that some of the
candidates who were running for president have been married numerous
times.
During the speech, Mr. Romney said this:
The American culture promotes personal responsibility, the dignity of work, the value of education, the merit of service, devotion to a purpose greater than self, and, at the foundation, the pre-eminence of the family... As fundamental as these principles are, they may become topics of democratic debate. So it is today with the enduring institution of marriage. Marriage is a relationship between one man and one woman.
Now, if you are wondering why on earth we need to reinforce marriage
and say this whole "one man, one woman" thing, it is because in this
country those same Evangelicals, and religious people in general, really
hate gay people with, what I guess you could call, the passion of the
Christ. They have zero tolerance for them. You could say they put them
on the same level as illegal Mexicans. We hate them, too. In other words,
they are afforded no rights and should really just go away.
Being that the case, we are currently debating in this country
whether or not gay people should be allowed to get married and have the
same legal rights as everyone else. It is not going well. As I said
before, religious people are extremely intolerant. Especially
the Christian ones. Calling a school "Liberty" but affording none is
what religious people are all about in this country. Maybe they do this
in your part of the world, too. I don't know. But I wouldn't be
surprised.
You see, it seems that Jesus hated gays so much that the Bible is
supposedly filled with his screeds against them. I haven't actually
found any, but I am told that others have. Yeah, I know. Jesus was
a tolerant peacenik, blah, blah, blah. Enough with that claptrap. We
are talking about sausage smokers here! Jesus may have been tolerant,
but c'mon, even Jesus had a breaking point.
So please, World, for your own good, ignore what we are doing over
here. Change the channel. Turn the page. Click to a porn site, if your
government allows that sort of thing, instead of CNN. You will be glad
you did. Otherwise, I fear that you will find yourself with fewer brain
cells as a result. That is something many of us here suffer from
daily, especially during election season. And let me tell you, it is
not pretty.
Thank you for your time today, World. I look forward
to corresponding with you again in the near future. Until then,
peace! (Unless, of course, you are gay or Mexican).
Very truly yours,
The United States of America
**********
Labels: 2012 election, Christian fundamentalism, Christianity, gay rights, Mitt Romney, same-sex marriage
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