Keep it zipped, Mitt

By Michael J.W. Stickings

Ann Romney says there's a "real" Mitt lurking somewhere behind the shameless pandering facade of a human being we've seen so far on the campaign trail:

Ann Romney defended her husband's sense of humor today during a radio interview, explaining that if people think the candidate seems too stiff at times as the host suggested, she thinks "we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out."

The thing is, if you unzip Mitt, isn't what you'll find... stiff?

Sorry, but that's the double entendre here. And if you're going to use the word "upzip," Ann, you'd better be prepared for the obvious.

Seriously, maybe there is some semblance of a real human being, a real Mitt, down in there somewhere, but does anyone really believe that the upzipped Mitt on the campaign trail would be all that different than the zipped version? Even the unzipped one would be completely phony and manufactured, just as much an act of shameless pandering. Remember Mitt in Alabama saying "y'all" and talking about eatin' cheesy grits? Remember how utterly ridiculous that was? Well, the unzipped Mitt would be just like that, Mitt trying desperately, pathetically, to come across as authentic and genuine -- and failing miserably.

Because, really, the real Mitt is probably the privileged rich douchebag who's been out there sucking up for votes, an out-of-touch plutocrat who just keeps embarrassing himself on the campaign trail. Sure, he may have something of a sense of humor, and maybe that's what Ann sees, but there's no way Mitt will suddenly expose himself, such as there is a self with a soul in there, for all to see. He's too far gone for that.