The Vancouver Olympics -- Closing Night

By Michael J.W. Stickings

UPDATED FREQUENTLY -- SEE BELOW. (This post, for better or for worse, has turned into a live-blogging effort.)

The closing ceremonies got off to a great start with the fourth arm going up -- the one that didn't work during the lighting at the opening ceremonies, the malfunction that got all the overhyped buzz and took on a life of its own in the media -- and with Catriona Le May Doan finally getting to light it, and I enjoyed seeing the athletes come in, all the Canadians, with Joannie Rochette carrying the flag, Team Martin's golden curlers, and all the rest, and the others as well, athletes we've come to know the past two weeks...

But then it went downhill from there, with a pitifully bad musical performance by Nikki "I Believe" Yanofsky, and a couple of other meagerly talented young people. That was simply awful, the low point. (Let's face it, "I Believe" is a horrible, horrible song, the one serious embarrassment to Canada from these Games.)

Since then, it's been utterly interminable. The Greek national anthem, the Olympic anthem, the passing of the flag from Vancouver to Sochi. The whole up-with-Russia extravaganza was okay, I suppose, if far too long. And now it's the head of Vanoc, John Furlong, the head of the Games, going on and on and on, as he did at the opening ceremonies. (It's painful listening him try to speak/read French. Could he not have practised and improved?) And now it's IOC head Jacques Rogge...

Seriously, this is supposed to be a party? And there's supposed to be a sense of humour to the proceedings? I realize there are formalities to be observed, but come on.

Also, Canadian TV ignored the medal ceremony for the 50K cross-country race today. (NBC showed it.) It's only one of the premier events of the Winter Olympics. Bad move, CTV/TSN/Sportsnet.

And... they're over. The Vancouver Olympics, that is. Done. Officially closed.

Oh... Neil Young. Finally, a talented Canadian singer/musician, someone we should be showcasing for the world as one of our own. Okay, k.d. lang is pretty talented, too, and her performance of "Hallelujah" at the opening ceremonies was great. But that Bryan Adams/Nelly Furtado duet? Remember that? That was bad. Not as bad as Yanofsky et al., but not good.

How about Rush? Wouldn't it be awesome if they came out and broke into "Tom Sawyer"? Or maybe The Tragically Hip, the most Canadian of all rock bands? Couldn't they come out and perform, say, "Fireworks," not least after today's huge hockey win?

Just as long as Celine doesn't show up.

And those arms are going down... 

What time is it? 10:02 pm. This has been so dull.

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10:03 pm -- Gotta love this. Canadian geese followed by William Shatner, a fellow Montrealer. This is fairly amusing. Not as funny as when he does "Rocket Man," but still. 

10:07 pm -- Catherine O'Hara. She's funny, this isn't. Alas.

10:10 pm -- I love Michael J. Fox. And this is fine. Too much reliance on stereotypes throughout these three so far, but I guess that's the point. 

10:13 pm -- Michael Buble. Not one of our greatest Canadians. Ugh. Seriously, where's Geddy Lee? This is awful. We need this shit at the Olympics?

10:17 pm -- This Mountie routine is a new challenger for low point of the evening. I get that it's supposed to show off our sense of humour about ourselves, and that it's all tongue-in-cheek, but it's boring. 

10:19 pm -- One of the commentators on Canadian TV, I can't remember her name, just said that Buble was the "perfect" person to charge up the crowd. Really? That's a challenger for stupidest comment of the entire Olympics. 

10:23 pm -- I just read that possible performers are Nickelback and Diana Krall. Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are we trying to showcase, our musical awfulness? 

10:27 pm -- Nickelback. I'm officially embarrassed now. Terrrrrrrrrrrrible. Besides, these idiots are from Alberta, not Canada. (Yes, I did just write that. Yes, I'm kidding. Sort of.)

10:33 pm -- Avril Lavigne. I wish I were kidding. Here's an idea. The Tragically Hip does "Fireworks" and the men's hockey team comes out on stage. I should be running this emerging fiasco. At this point, I'd even settle for the Trailer Park Boys. 

10:36 pm -- Alanis. I saw her in concert years ago at Jones Beach in New York. The opening act? Radiohead. Seriously. I had a backstage pass, and I went back after the show, but she never came out. Bummer. But the Radiohead guys were hanging out. Too bad I didn't know who they were. (That was a younger and stupider time in my life.)

Anyway... Alanis is a vast improvement over the previous two, but she was a lot more relevant, like, 10-15 years ago. That was okay, a pretty good song, if slow and a bit of a show-stopper, bringing it down when it needs to be brought up. 

10:42 pm -- Is it bad that I don't know who Simple Plan is? No. Because they're derivative and redundant. Canadian music sucks. Bring back Neil Young!

10:46 pm -- Hedley. It really sucks. I can barely believe the country that put on such a great show, and that did so well, and that aroused such national pride, produces such crap.

Hey, here's an idea. How about a Bare Naked Ladies reunion? I'd go for that. They're proudly and distinctly Canadian. Maybe they could change the lyrics to "If I had $1000000" just for the Olympics.

Have I mentioned that I should be in charge? 

10:49 pm -- And now, from Montreal... wait... who? Mary May? What? Does my ignorance reflect central Canadian bias? Not my own, of course, but the English media's. Are we too dismissive here in Anglo-Canada? Oh, it's Marie-Mai, or something. Whatever. Maybe she's big in Quebec. It's not bias, she's just not very good. Or even just good. Still, this sounds like something Europeans would like. (Update: A commenter says Marie-Mai is indeed big in Quebec. Okay. But shouldn't we be going for bigger names?)

10:52 pm -- k-os. Great. I only know who this person is from iTunes. No, that's not true. He's popular, and I've heard of him, well, I don't know where, just out in the ether. But there's a reason I don't know any of his music... it's gargage. And he's representing Toronto? Again, I can only hope the foreigners think this is cool. I can only add it to my list of embarrassments.

Is it over yet?

10:58 pm -- Percussionists?

Wait... that was it? It's over? That's the best we could do? That was hardly a "bang," as Canadian television commentator James Duffy put it. That was more like a loud whimper at the end of a long line of farts.

Again, why not Rush or the Hip to close it out? Something really big, something really Canadian, something truly memorable?

James Duffy's fellow commentator, whatever her name is, just called the closing ceremonies "spectacular." Wrong. They stunk.

And now we go back to Brian Williams, presumably to sum it all up with all the usual platitudes.

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You know, I really got into the Vancouver Games. All the hype leading up to them annoyed me, as I wrote that first night, but I followed them closely from the start. In terms of medals, the first week was pretty rough for Canada, but we picked it up in the second and ended up doing incredibly well. And, overall, despite those early gaffes and glitches (the arm that wouldn't rise, the ice at the speedskating oval, etc.), the lack of snow (and, generally, winter weather), and the bad policies (the fence around the cauldron), it was, overall, a truly amazing event.

I say that from afar, from here in Toronto, but that's how it seemed, and it sure seemed like the people of Vancouver, Whistler, and British Columbia generally, enjoyed themselves. I know many of us did all across this great country. The Games really brought us together -- not because we won a lot, picking up a record number of gold medals, or because we "owned" the podium," or not, but because they made us all proud to be Canadian, and they allowed us to show ourselves and our beloved country off to the world in a way we don't often get to.

And I'll miss not having them on TV. It's been a wonderful two-plus weeks, with some wonderful moments. When we won the hockey gold today, I jumped off the couch and celebrated like I rarely do for anything. I can't remember ever being that excited for a sporting event. Maybe when the Steelers won the Super Bowl last year, but not even that matched today. That win was the highlight, along with the men's curling win, but I found myself cheering on my fellow Canadians -- and genuinely appreciating the athletes from all the countries -- frequently. Whatever it was -- short-track speedskating or skeleton, even figure staking -- I was there, and I was united with the rest of Canada, urging our men and women on.

It's hard to believe, actually, that the Olympics could mean this much to me, or to Canadians generally, but they did, and now they're over, and hopefully some of that togetherness will persist.

There's a reason this is the greatest country in the world. And it was on full display these past couple of weeks.