Cemeteries, sex toys, and South Carolina -- and a Republican

By Michael J.W. Stickings

No, it isn't April 1. And, no, this isn't from The Onion. It's all true, and all funny:

A deputy assistant attorney general who said he was on his lunch break when an officer found him with a stripper and sex toys in his sport utility vehicle has been fired, his boss said Wednesday.

Roland Corning, 66, a former state legislator, was in a secluded part of a downtown cemetery when an officer spotted him Monday, according to a police report obtained by The Associated Press under the Freedom of Information Act.

As the officer approached, Corning sped off, then pulled over a few blocks away. He and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery, Officer Michael Wines wrote in his report, though he did not elaborate.

Corning gave Wines a badge showing he worked for the state Attorney General's Office. Wines, whose wife also works there, called her to make sure Corning was telling the truth.

He then searched the SUV, where he found a Viagra pill and several sex toys, items Corning said he always kept with him, "just in case," according to the report.

Corning and the woman were let go without charges. Wines' wife reported the call to her supervisor, who told Attorney General Henry McMaster.

"We received credible information about inappropriate behavior Monday afternoon," McMaster said Wednesday. "And by the close of business, he was no longer working here."

Such a trip to the cemetery "would not be appropriate, at any time, for an assistant attorney general," McMaster said.

Not appropriate at all. Okay, a few things:

First, on a somewhat serious note, it seems inappropriate for a police officer to call his wife, for his wife to talk to her supervisor, for her supervisor to talk to the AG, and for Corning to be fired. He shouldn't have told his wife, at least not in any official capacity, and she shouldn't have passed along the salacious news. prior to a full investigation into what happened. Should he have been fired so quickly, simply because the story made its way to the AG so quickly? Should the AG -- the state's chief law enforcement official, by the way -- not have acted more deliberately and thoroughly examined the case before jerking his knee?

Second, a cemetary? I understand this guy wanted privacy and seclusion, but is that really the best he could do? Were there no motel rooms available?

Third, he's 66 and she's 18. Make of that what you will.

Fourth, I understand the Viagra. I mean, you never know, and if you need that stuff, I suppose it's good to be prepared. A lot of people carry condoms around with them, don't they? (Did Corning?) But sex toys? Really? Again, I suppose you need to be prepared, "just in case" (you find a willing 18-year old), but who carries sex toys around with them? Who thinks, "yeah, just in case, I'll take a butt plug, strap-on dildo, vibrating egg, and cock ring wherever I go," or whatever the hell it was he had with him? Well, this guy does, apparently, but it's rather odd.

But odd, not least when it comes to sex, seems to be what South Carolina is all about. Need I remind you of the conduct of its governor?