Governor Gaucho!

By J. Thomas Duffy

The 1927 movie, starring the great Douglas Fairbanks (and Lupe Velez), The Gaucho, carried this riveting teaser:

A glorious tale of gay adventure and romantic daring on the wild plains of South America!

Saints and cutthroats! Shrines and robbers' lairs! A madcap mountain lass and a bandit chieftain---the Gaucho! A fiery tale of the most picturesque adventure beyond the Andes!

If Fairbanks was the prototype swashbuckler, then South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford takes the crown for being the seminal "swashbumbler."

We really wanted to stay away from this story as it exploded on the World Wide Web over the past two or three days.

It was clear, from the get-go, that this madcap adventure by Governor Gaucho was FUBAR all the way.

And we do want to give props to Larisa Alexandrovna, who was on-the-money early today -- before Governor Gaucho's pathetic press conference -- with "Did Gov. Sanford go on vacation with a mistress?":

Now, if I remember correctly, Argentina has phones and televisions. Why could his staff or anyone else not reach him for nearly a week? Moreover, his security detail was not with him. So unless the guy actually was in rehab all this time, the only other logical explanation is that he went on an unplanned trip or lied about a planned trip and wanted to keep it secret, to the point of causing national hysteria regarding his disappearance. The only reason to be that secretive is if you are taking a trip with a special friend.

I should note that I am speculating and have absolutely no proof that Sanford was vacationing with a lover. Yet as an investigative reporter I can tell you that his story is not credible.

Yes, Governor Gaucho was "vacationing with a lover."

I will speculate that Team Governor Gaucho would have stuck to the story, that he was out hiking the Appalachian Trail, if only it didn't surface that the first day of summer, this past Sunday, when Governor Gaucho was said to be on-the-trail, happened to be National Hike Naked Day.

Story not credible?

How's this endorsement from his wife, yesterday, as Team Gaucho Governor still was running with the intrepid hiker line:

A CNN reporter tracked down Jenny Stanford at her Sullivan Island vacation home. Sounding less like the wife of a 2012 presidential contender and more like America's favorite reality TV star announcing her separation from her husband, she said: "I am being a mom today. I have not heard from my husband. I am taking care of my children."

Jenny Stanford had helped stoke the story yesterday when she told the AP she didn't know where her husband was.

It's unclear why hiking the Appalachian Trail would be something Sanford would keep from his wife.

What Was Rory Gilmore Doing At Governor Gaucho's Press Conference?

So, all the whispers ended today, when Governor Gaucho stood up to do a rambling press conference (and yes, he has separated from his wife, so, thankfully, we didn't get the Mrs. David-Vitter-Tammy Wynette-Stand-By-Your-Man, Bad-Politician's-Wife-Theater), perhaps attempting to stay ahead of this strengthening tsunami-of-a-story, and the hometown paper that has, and will be printing (drumroll, please), EMAILS!

Two, mutual feelings ... You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ...

Good call there, Governor Gaucho, don't go there ...

And one more thing about the press conference:

You can watch it HERE (via MSNBC), and, shortly after it starts, behind Governor Gaucho, and, also, a man in a white polo shirt, is a young woman, who uncannily looks like Rory Gilmore.

Was the Yale Bulldog covering this?


Roland Hedley Aiming For A Pulitzer

One of Gary Trudeau's amazing characters, Roland Hedley, on his Twitter account, has been pounding the pavement on the Governor Gaucho story -- thankfully!

A sample:

Prearranged for me to ask second question at Sanford presser. Will be reading question from Argentinian hiker.

Haley Barbour waits 4 mins, then elbows past Ensign, steps over Sanford: "Excuse me, y'all. Comin' through. Excuse me..."

Just terminated 14 email relationships. No more direct messages, please.

Children, elderly banned from Sanford presser over concerns of possible Full Monty.

Sanford story checking out. Campers in Ecuador, Bolivia, Paraguay report sightings of fast-moving, naked hiker.

Lastly, another bizarre, ironic twist to the Tale of Governor Gaucho:

http://twitter.com/Will_Bunch, who pointed to this article, from earlier in the month:

Sanford touts individual readiness ... Governor urges residents to have evacuation plans, emergency kits with proper supplies

We will be hearing, in the days, weeks, and months ahead, all about Governor Gaucho's "individual readiness."


Olé - Bonus Governor Gaucho Riffs

Zachary Roth: Sanford Press Conference Leaves Unanswered Questions

Will Bunch: No one would ever look for OUR governor on the Appalachian Trail!

Blu Gal: Dear Mrs. Sanford

Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo: what is it with these repressed republicans?

Think Progress: Will Republicans ‘Ask Questions’ Of Sanford, Rather Than ‘Circle The Wagons For One Of Our Tribe’?

Joe Gandelman: Two Reasons Why Mark Sanford’s Political Career Is Now Dead




(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)