MLB All-Star Game... Get your handy baseball primer, right here!

By J. Thomas Duffy

Don't be left out this evening.

Maybe you're hosting or attending a Major League Baseball All-Star Game party... You'll be around hardcore fans and you know jack-shit about baseball... You're nervous, fear-filled sweat pouring off you, like a Senator caught with a hooker...

No way can you work your Blackberry discreetly, searching through baseball sites or Googling the lingo, so you can be hip and flow with the conversation...

Well, fear no more.

Just read The Garlic's legendary essay:

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

You won't blurt out anything like "why don't they call it 4th base", or wonder the big deal between a starting pitcher and relief pitcher ... You learn the difference between "dugout" and "bullpen" ... Designated hitter and pinch hitter ... And why a battery in baseball has nothing to do with a perpetually-moving toy bunny, banging a drum ...

Get ready to enter the riveting and arcane world of baseball.

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Here's just a small sampling of the testimonials that poured in:

"As you may know, I had to make a pretty big decision this past weekend and your baseball piece really helped chill me out and relax -- Thanks!"
-- Katie Couric, CBS Evening News

"While I enjoyed reading your 'Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?', I fear it could fuel an upswing in illegal immigration, unless this government starts protecting our borders."
-- Lou Dobbs, CNN

"Since I've been in a letter-writing mode lately, I thought I'd drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we'll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)."
-- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

"I am going to give you a scoop. After recently reading your post 'Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?', I just had to quit Rocketboom, so I could begin my new career in baseball right away!"
-- Amanda Congdon, former Internet news star

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)