Fact: The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

By Heraclitus

This probably won't suit everyone's sense of humor, but you may or may not have heard of the amusing series of "Chuck Norris facts" out there. The title of this post is probably the most famous. You can actually get some of them on t-shirts. Some of them are just silly, like "Fact: Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered with human skulls." Here are some of my personal faves:

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Apparently, Chuck Norris is also a fundamentalist Christian. And he has decided to use the Chuck Norris facts as a way to proselytize. Hence the following gem:

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.” It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here.

Best segue ever. For more on Chuck's religious beliefs, see Pandagon.