Tuesday, October 24, 2006

An Open Letter to the GOP

By Heraclitus

Okay, I know we tend to slant more or less left here, but we also strive for fair and balanced reporting of the political and cultural trends that matter to you. I'm therefore very happy to present this "Open Letter to the GOP," contributed by guest blogger Rod T. Straight (warning: the following may contain biting satire):

My fellow Americans,

Recently, I was at the grocery store, buying childrens’ cereal. Having perused the cereal boxes and given them sufficient consideration, I can only say that I am shocked, outraged, and disgusted. Only now do I realize what a sick and perverted world we live in. It is a world where innocent children are used as mere pawns in the twisted social and political agendas of the homosexual movement. That's right. ALL OF THE CEREAL BOX CARTOON CHARACTERS ARE GAY!!! Gay as paint. Queer as a three-dollar bill. Okay, Tony the Tiger is probably an exception, and maybe Dig 'em the Frog, but the rest are switch-hitters at best. Sonny, the bird from Coco Puffs? He’s flamboyantly gay (the brightly colored, striped sweater, the overly emotional behavior), also known as "flaming." The Sugar Bear seems innocent enough. Kind of pudgy, always wearing a sweater; he kind of seems like the dad from Eight is Enough. Then you remember -- HE’S ALWAYS SINGING!!! Toucan Sam, like Sonny the bird, TALKS WITH A DAMN LISP!!! And they don't get any lighter in the loafers than that damn leprechuan from lucky charms. Snap, Crackle and Pop may be just weenie enough to be straight and still walk around in those absurd, gay-assed costumes, but Count Chocula and the rest are not only gay, but campy. Oh, foul, foul, world, where homosexual activists have infiltrated the graphics departments of cereal companies!!!

Now it all makes sense. Now we can see why the country is slouching towards Gomorrah. Now we can see why American is in danger of doing something as unspeakable evil and demented as electing a Democratic Congress. This is not right. We don't need a bunch of homos selling us our cereals. We need good, strong cereal cartoon chacters, as Dubya used to say before he lost the ability to string even three words together coherently. Here are my new, decidedly un-gay, suggestions:

Angry, Angry Ape -- Angry, Angry Ape goes around beating the shit out of people who look at him funny -- mostly Frenchmen and Arabs. He has big, muscular arms and a very angry face. On the cereal box, he would be swinging his arms wildly and glaring menacingly, with bloodshot eyes, out at the kid eating the cereal. The grain part of the cereal would be red, from all the blood Angry, Angry Ape beats out of people, and the marshmallow things would be the faces of foreigners with black eyes and broken noses.

Sweary Snake -- The main purpose of this character is just to have a picture of a snake on the cereal box, crawling through some sort of circular thing. That's right, get the penis-vagina equation into their heads early. That's the way it's gonna be, boys and girls!!! Sweary Snake swears a lot, but in a manly, heterosexual way. The marshmallow pieces would be swear words, but good, old-fashioned swear words, like Goddamnit and Son of a Bitch. That'll teach 'em.

Peety the Postal Parrot -- Peety the Postal Parrot is a parrot who worked for the post office and one day came in with an AK-47 and blew a bunch of motherfuckers away. Teach the kids when they're young, assault rifles are part of the American way of life. The marshmallow pieces would be AK-47s, grenades, and dead postal workers (the kind with the little xes in their eyes).

Harry the Whoring Hippo -- The name says it all. Harry gets it on with women, nobody else -- NOBODY ELSE, DAMMIT!!! Sure, he usually has to pay for it, but that's better than being some damn fruit. He's a good role model, especially for the boys. But isn't a hippo a somewhat grotesque animal to present in such an overtly sexual manner? Hell, no. Let these kids learn that the average American diet, starting with these sugary breakfast cereals, will make them a bunch of fat asses for most of their lives. Get used to it. Just don't use that as an excuse to become some kind of damn pansy. The marshmallow pieces would be various naked women and little packets of penicillin.

Okay, these are all just prolegomena. We come now to the true peak of the new generation of breakfast cereal cartoon marketing devices, the top dog, the creme de la creme.

Blowing Shit Up Orang-Outang -- Blowing Shit Up Orang-Outang is where it's at. He blows shit up. Sometimes it's some asshole's car, sometimes it's another country. But he blows shit up. He's a good, strong cereal box cartoon character. Teach our kids the importance of aggressive violence. (Also note the similarity of his name to "poon-tang." This is crucial.) The marshmallow pieces would be various kinds of missiles and RPGs and the occasional mushroom cloud.

Now that you know the truth, get out there and spread it. There hasn't been a scandal of this magnitude and reach since Jerry Fallwell pointed out that the Teletubbies were homos. We need to get the word out, for the future of this great nation of ours. Thank God there's an election coming up. Get out there and vote Republican, and David Kuo be damned!

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