Friday, October 26, 2012

We are the Republican Party

By Mustang Bobby

My brother came up with this little checklist for his Republican friends.


We are the Republican Party:
  • We hold dear the Second Amendment and think the world would be a lot safer if everyone was armed to the teeth. Unless, of course, you're talking about Iran.
  • We are vehemently pro-life from birth to death, from protecting a zygote to banning euthanasia. Unless, of course, you're not white and have committed a crime.
  • We clearly need to keep icky gay people hidden in the closet. Unless, of course, you're talking about a closet on Capitol Hill.
  • We think drug testing is another example of government overreach. Unless, of course, you need welfare.
  • We want to keep government out of our health care. Unless, of course, you're talking about Medicare.
  • We want every single dollar of new spending to come from cuts. Unless, of course, you're talking about the defense budget.
  • We passionately support freedom of religion and want to put religion back in the public square. Unless, of course, your religion is Islam.
  • We want to quit sending all our precious tax dollars overseas. Unless, of course, they're in the back of a C-130.
  • We want government out of our private lives, let us live the way we want. Unless, of course, you're in your own bedroom.
  • We are all about bipartisanship. Unless, of course, that means compromising anything we want.
  • We think FEMA is just a huge waste of federal money. Unless, of course, that disaster hits within 100 miles of my house.
  • We have to get control of the deficit at any cost. Unless, of course, that means increasing revenue in any way.
  • We will repeal Obamacare at the very first chance we get. Unless, of course, you're talking about pre-existing conditions, keeping your kids on your insurance...
  • We will go to war to protect other nations' right to choose their own leaders. Unless, of course, you choose the wrong guy.
  • We kinda support a woman's right to choose. Unless, of course, you choose to have an abortion.
  • We want to kick out all illegal aliens. Unless, of course, they're here to mow our lawn.
  • We believe every word of the Bible is the true word of God. Unless, of course, you're talking about the weird or contradictory parts.
  • We think everything Obama says or does is socialist, wrong, and evil. Unless, of course, we thought of it first — then, well, it's still wrong.
  • We don't want Michelle Obama or the government telling anyone what to eat. Unless, of course, you're on food stamps.
  • We are the party of Abraham Lincoln, freed the slaves, and are all for equal rights. Unless, of course, you mean to actually keep track of it with things like affirmative action.
  • We think it's fine if women want to have jobs outside the home. Unless, of course, they want our jobs at our pay.
  • We can't stand any tax of any kind. Unless, of course, the money gets sent right back in a pork barrel.
  • We might be willing to grant you that the earth is getting warmer. Unless, of course, you try to pin that on humans.
  • We are huge defenders of the right to vote. Unless, of course, you're inclined to vote for the other guy.

Feel free, readers, to add your own.

(Cross-posted at Bark Bark Woof Woof.)

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  • If they could, Republicans would elect a zygote President. The problem is that they can't hold pens. Foiled again!

    By Anonymous Frankly Curious, at 5:26 PM  

  • That zygote might be a better choice.

    By Blogger Capt. Fogg, at 8:59 AM  

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