Tuesday, September 22, 2009

In the beginning... there were two cows


(O)CT(O)PUS interrupts our regularly scheduled program for an audacious request: We need cow jokes. What are cow jokes you ask? Well, cow jokes always start with … well … two cows (but not necessarily). In the beginning, cow jokes were used to teach
political economics, as examples:

Socialism: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. You give them to the Government, and the Government then sells you some milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Nazism: You have two cows. The Government shoots you and takes your cows.

These days, however, there are no constraints on cow jokes. Here are a few contemporary examples:

Corporate America: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

France: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Switzerland: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canada: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

New Zealand: You have two sheep.

Democracy in Florida: You have two cows. The voters are asked to choose. Some prefer one cow over the other. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite cow but their votes are declared invalid. Some can't figure out how to vote. Later, a court decides which one is your favorite.

Diebold: One cow and three elephants, no problem.

Existentialist: There are two cows. One is standing on the beach, staring at the sand ...

Deconstructionism: You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?

Republicans: You have two cows in a Red state. You send them to a state university that was built and is kept alive using federal money raised by Blue states. You still want another tax cut and call Democrats a bunch of socialists.

Samuel Beckett: COW 1: Moo. COW 2: Moo. They do not leave.

Seinfeld: What's the deal with those two cows?

Kerouac: Now we must all get out and dig the river and the people and smell two cows.

Nietzsche: Is man only a blunder of two cows? Or are two cows only a blunder of man?

Andrew Sullivan: Cattle are being mutilated all over the county, but you don't speak out until your own ox is gored.

Okay, I think you get the idea. Now, it's your turn. Make up a cow joke and post it as a comment. Don't be square. Resistance is futile. Have fun.

(Cross-posted at
The Swash Zone.)


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  • Now you have two cows
    Standing knee deep in the snow
    They don't look so clean.
    -Bashō- (well, not really)

    What is the sound of two cows crapping?
    -Zen koan-

    The two cows you counted are not two cows
    -Lao Tzu-

    "What's that funny smell?"
    -Stevie Wonder-

    ""Wer mit der zwei Kuhe kämpft, mag zusehn, dass er nicht dabei zum Kuh wird."

    Dos Vacas me esta mirando desde las torres de Cordoba

    By Blogger Capt. Fogg, at 4:06 PM  

  • Hmmm...

    Obama: I have cows you can believe in!


    By Blogger 13909 Antiques, at 4:09 PM  

  • We see but shadows of cows flickering on the wall of the cave. Only the philosopher, who ascends to the light, ever sees the ideal cow, the cowness of perfection that exists only in thought.

    -- Plato

    The mean between these two extreme cows is a virtue.

    -- Aristotle

    Above the City of Man lies the City of Cow.

    -- St. Augustine

    By Blogger Michael J.W. Stickings, at 6:42 PM  

  • I do not know which to prefer,
    The beauty of inflections
    Or the beauty of innuendoes,
    The cows mooing
    Or just after.

    - Stevens -

    By Blogger (O)CT(O)PUS, at 10:23 PM  

  • American Labor: Once upon a time, you had two cows but they were outsourced to India where cows are worshipped.

    By Blogger (O)CT(O)PUS, at 10:25 PM  

  • Rhett Butler/Gone With The Wind: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damned cow

    Knute Rockne: Win one for the cows!

    Star Wars: May the cows be with you

    Beatles: Cows in the Sky with Diamonds

    Neil Armstrong: One small step for man, one giant leap for the cows

    By Blogger 13909 Antiques, at 10:43 PM  

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