Friday, December 05, 2008

Top Ten Cloves: Ways NFL will tweak rules in wake of Plaxico Burress shooting

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Giants suspend Super Bowl hero Plaxico Burress

10. Everytime announcers say "It's a real duel here today," game stops so they can have a "real duel."

9. NFL.Com soon to offer official team handguns, with your team's logo on the handle!

8. Draw Plays -- everyone clears out and it's a shootout between the quarterback and middle linebacker

7. Extra 5 yards tacked onto crack-back blocking penalty if offending player is carrying a concealed weapon.

6. Field goal records broken all day long, as now will be conducted with football-shooting cannon.

5. Halftime shows? ... What else other than skeet shooting?

4. Burress's shooting kicks off new trend -- instead of doing end zone dance after scoring touchdowns, players shoot themselves in leg.

3. QBs who have a "rifle for an arm" can now carry rifles, holding defense at bay while they complete pass.

2. Defensive backs can pistol-whip wide receivers, but only within the first 5 yards from the line of scrimmage.

1. Offenses that run the "Shotgun Offense" can use real, loaded shotguns.


Bonus Pistol Plaxico Riffs

Newsday: Cops seek to question Plaxico Burress about shooting

NBC Sports: Police investigating cover-up in Burress case; Teammates Pierce, Bradshaw may be involved in nightclub shooting

New York Times: Police Again Take Issue With N.F.L. in Shooting

Bonus Bonus NFL Riffs

Developing Story! Tancredo: Shut Down Super Bowl; Says Two Black Coaches "Amounts To Segregation"... Appeals To NFL Commissioner To Make Big Game "Color-Blind"; Biden Weighs In, Backs Coaches

Flutie Sends "Cease-and-Desist" Letter To Media Over 'Hail Mary' References Regarding Surge ... Diminutive QB Longtime Copyright Holder; "It Still Feeds My Family"; Says Open To Negotiate On Usage

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell Your Next Door Neighbor May Be Conducting Illegal Dogfights

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

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