Friday, August 22, 2008

Sign of the Apocalypse #56: Britney's hot new body

By Michael J.W. Stickings

This is awesome. The media may be staking out Biden and Kaine, among others, with all eyes on the Veepstakes prize, but we know what's really important, don't we? CNN certainly does:


Wait, where are the exclamation points!!!

Britney's sexy again... or what passes for sexy these days, to some... and.... she's a dietician who can offer advice and salvation to all of us schlubs picking bits of potato chip out of our belly buttons while knocking back urine-flavoured beer.

Yes, "Showbiz Tonight's Brooke Anderson talks with her panel about reaction to revelations by Britney Spears in OK! Magazine." Really? A panel? We need a panel on this?

And... reaction to revelations? These are "revelations"? Britney is a revealer? Take cover, frogs are falling from the skies.

Oh, look, there's Britney on horseback!

Apparently, she's "sworn off all sugar." (I say as I down the last remnants of a blueberry fritter.) And -- hold on, it gets better -- she "says she cut frappuccinos out of her diet completely." Completely! That takes determination and courage of a kind and degree and you and I and rest of the schlubs just can't match. Celebraties are so much better than we are. But what will she ever do without even a single, solitary frappuccino to cool the cockles on a sticky summer afternoon? No wonder Starbucks is closing shops.

And she's down to 1200 calories a day! But remember, those are celebrity calories. Our calories are different.

She's the healthiest she's ever been! So what if she's a lousy mother who's already fucked up her kids? Where can I get me those diet secrets of hers? Hit me with the truth, baby!

And now, watch the video for yourselves. I'm off to do some arm curls with a couple o' Kit-Kats Chunks.

Clearly, I'm not worthy. Isn't that what our celebrity-worshipping culture wants me to believe?

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