Mike Huckabee and the fake-ass-kicking blowhard vote

By Michael J.W. Stickings

We were all waiting for this, weren't we? For president, Chuck Norris has endorsed...

[DRUM ROLL]

Mike Huckabee!

If you must, read his endorsement piece at WingNutDaily. I won't bother to quote extensively from it here, nor to analyze his, um... argument.

But here are some thoughts as I try to come to terms with this momentous event:

1) Who gives a shit? Seriously, raise your hand if you do, and explain why.

2) Democratic celebrities are so much cooler, not to mention so much more culturally and artistically significant, than Republican celebrities. They have Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent. We have Bruce Springsteen and Steven Spielberg (to name but two).

3) Chuck Norris lacks self-awareness and a sense of irony. Hence this: "Part of our backward culture is reflected in the fact that we measure and value people by what they do, instead of first who they are. As a result, we nominate charisma, cast votes for articulation and repeatedly elect too many paper-thin corrupt politicians." Sure, maybe, but on these terms Chuck Norris is the embodiment of America's "backward culture": violent and Christianist. (On these terms? Perhaps on any terms.)

4) "Mike is also a respected and fearless leader, and he does not cower to the cries of any majority or minority." That's right, he doesn't listen to anybody! Damn those majorities and minorities! Damn them all!

5) Does Huckabee even want this endorsement? Could someone ask him for us?

6) Wait, Huckabee is like King David? He, too, will be appointed by God (Norris's Christianist god, one presumes)? Norris is apparently delusional as well as stupid. (Answering #5: Yes, maybe he does, if he isn't embarrassed by Norris's evident man-crush on him. Huckabee could have written much of this himself, but surely he doesn't love himself this much... does he?

7) I've already spent way too much time thinking about Chuck Norris, so...

8) Marc Ambinder on "The Huckabee Problem": "Huckabee has an independent streak. The establishment is threatened. Their interests are at stake and they want candidates who are beholden to them. Huckabee doesn't fit the bill." But Romney might, if social conservatives and the powers-that-be on the religious right can overcome their lack of enthusiasm and unite behind the candidate of resignation.

Huckabee won't win, with or without Republican celebrity blowhards at his side.